Valentines Day Gift Map of the United States

Valentine's Day

Valentines Day Gift Map of the United States

Valentines Day is here!!!

What are you getting your special loved one this weekend?

Valentines Day

In NYC This Weekend?
Catch LMAO Valentine’s Day Show
CLICK HERE for discount tickets
MORE INFO at www.8improv.com

 

ALABAMA: Lord Byron (poetry).
– Not Donald Trump Rallies?Valentines Day

ALASKA: flower delivery.
– Sorry Sarah Palin, no Caribou.

ARIZONA: cubic zirconia rings, Jacquie Lawson cards.
– Nothing but the BEST fake shit on Valentines Day for John McCain’s home state.

ARKANSAS: romance novels, Zale’s jewelry.
Bill Clinton has a lasting Impression.

CALIFORNIA: gold, cubic zirconia jewelry, couples pajamas, heart-shaped sunglasses, bondage kit.
Guessing the dense population of Hollywood got that later on the list.

COLORADO: platinum rings, fondue, dance lessons, couples yoga, aphrodisiac foods.
– aphrodisiac foods now includes POT BROWNIES?

CONNECTICUT: Edible Arrangements, smoking jacket.
HA HA Cause EA is from CT, but those Fuckers in Bridgeport thought they were getting Edible Panties.

DELAWARE: gift card.
for a state w/o taxes, I would expect better. 

FLORIDA: Pandora jewelry, Barry White songs.
Of course on the Pan Handle, Sister just wants the company.

GEORGIA: satin pajamas, couples outfits.
Satin and BBQ go well together.

HAWAII: flower, platinum, pearls, pearl jewelry, Tahitian pearls, romantic comedy (movie genre), couples massage, tandem kayak.
– Don Ho records finally out of fashion?

Shop Sex Toys

Idaho likes Adam & Eve’s finest?

IDAHO: Adam & Eve (the online store, not the Adam & Eve from the Bible).
– But for most they just use a big potato

ILLINOIS: chocolate fondue.
– Can’t mock that. I’m down!

INDIANA: romantic gifts, romantic getaway, couples vacation, mood music.
– Mood Music liek “ON THE ROAD AGAIN” to get the fuck out of IN.

IOWA: tandem bicycle.
– ANYTHING BUT CORN!!! In Des Moines the Tandem Unicycle is most popular.

KANSAS: Helzberg Diamonds, Valentine’s recipes.
– Just don’t put diamond in Valentines Day recipe and then forget to tell her and she eats it and you have to wait till… you get the picture

KENTUCKY: couples tattoos, 50 Shades of Grey (novel), 50 Shades of Grey (film), songs to ____ to, roses, porn for couples.
– CLEARLY BLUE GRASS makes folks HORNY AS FUCK!

LOUISIANA: jewelry, men’s jewelry (tie w/ Oklahoma), pearl earrings, adult sex toys, oysters, silk sheets, cheesecake.
– And of course lots of Mardi Gras Beads.

MAINE: lobster, lobster recipe, Maidenform, Robert Burns (poetry).
– SERIOUSLY? You can have Lobster any day in Maine!

MARYLAND: ProFlowers (company), couples activities, Valentine’s Day dinner, Sade (band), Sears portraits.
– My home state never settles for amateur flowers.

MASSACHUSETTS: couples cooking class
– SO BOSTON!

MICHIGAN: ballroom dancing lessons.
– or just more bottles of water if you are in Flint.

MINNESOTA: silk boxers.
– Almost died in Minnesota. NOTHING there I would want to see in SILK BOXERS.

MISSISSIPPI: pearl necklace, cheap jewelry, cheap lingerie, men’s cologne, mixtape.
– PEARL NECKLACE is Sister’s Fave?

MISSOURI: Hallmark cards, couples resort, vejazzling.
– ONLY IN BIG MO! Bedazzling the Vajayjay sounds painful for the guy, right?

MONTANA: silver, lobster tails.
– See, Maine, in Montana a little red tail is special.

NEBRASKA: Helzberg jewelry.
– Again, ANYTHING BUT CORN!

NEVADA: Frederick’s of Hollywood, corset, Boyz II Men, adult onesie, sexy costume.
– What ever looks great at the casino bar at 8am drinks and breakfast and video poker.

NEW HAMPSHIRE: stuffed animal.
– BONUS points for stuffing your own road kill. GUESS WHAT’s FOR DINNER?

NEW JERSEY: long-stem roses, box of chocolate, chocolate gift, romantic movies, gift basket, wine gift basket.
– Anything to make the place NOT smell like Jersey! (Or drink to point of not caring)

NEW MEXICO: hickey.
– Ah only 13 year olds celebrate in NM.

NEW YORK: 1-800-FLOWERS, earrings, chocolate baskets, Harlequin books, wine delivery, couples spa package, Victoria’s Secret, champagne, silk pajamas, candygram, romantic motel, perfume, romantic restaurants, mink coat.
– It’s two states. Upstate and NYC. Which do you think each matches?

NORTH CAROLINA: sterling silver jewelry.
– Strangely short list considering the diversity of NC. Raleigh and the Mountains on the Same Page. 

NORTH DAKOTA: gifts for him.
– North Dakota Men are just not the giving types.

OHIO: Pandora bracelet, romantic getaways.
– Some love danish jewelry. Some just give a danish.

OKLAHOMA:  boudoir photography, boudoir photos.
– AKA Nude Selfies?

OREGON: poetry, romance novel, romance movies.
– AH! Just want to hug trees and my lover!

PENNSYLVANIA: edible underwear, Hershey’s Kisses.
– Combine the two and we have a real party!

RHODE ISLAND: Pandora charms, charm bracelet.
– FYI Charming = Small if you ever are apartment shopping.

SOUTH CAROLINA: matching outfits, how to be romantic.
– HOW TO BE ROMANTIC? Don’t wear matching outfits unless it’s Halloween! (Gay Men in Tuxes excluded from this mockery)

SOUTH DAKOTA: Romeo and Juliet, JCPenney portraits.
– “Hey  honey, it’s the most romantic story EVER” She says as she hands you the dagger and open vial from around her neck…

TENNESSEE: cheap sex toys.
– you know that ones that just rip your vajayjay to shreads!

TEXAS: discount sex toys, plus-size lingerie.
– Cause – do I have to say it – OK Everything’s bigger in Texas. BUT AGAIN we should all avoid some things when they are on discount.

UTAH: couples games.
– Also Triple, Quadruple etc Games.

Kama Sutra

Well HELLO Virginia!

VERMONT: chocolate, romantic movies.
– GO BERNIE!!!

VIRGINIA: Kama Sutra.
– Cause they are so repressed the rest of the year!

WASHINGTON: bear skin rug.
– AND Sheepskin Condoms? Wait that would be more… 

WEST VIRGINIA: handcuffs.
– not for sex, but for when your brother gets too rough/drunk.

WISCONSIN: teddy bear, fur coat.
– BOTH Made from real bears

WYOMING:  mail-order bride
– Hey honey, I got you something…

Teacher is Going to Hell: Learning from Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.Teacher

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

*********************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while theyGOD
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
‘They will in a minute.’

*********************

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

*********************

GrannyOne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

*********************

RIPThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher,
she’s dead.’

 

*********************

FeetA teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

*********************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’Cookies

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

 

Smart Cars not good outside of garage/parking space.

Bernie Sanders to bring back Glass Sméagol

Bernie Sanders wants to bring back Glass Sméagol.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders wants to bring back Glass Sméagol. Absent Minded Comedy original Meme

by Walt Frasier

This is making light of a fairly serious subject. One of Bernie’s big ideas is taking on Wall Street head on like no other candidate. But seriously, is there ever a need to make excuses to post pictures of our favorite character from Lord of the rings. Read more about Bernie Sanders and his view on Glass Steagall

5 Reasons Glass-Steagall Matters

| BY RICHARD ESKOW

The Glass-Steagall Act came up as a major point of disagreement between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton during Saturday’s Democratic presidential debate. The Act, which was originally enacted in 1933, separated risky trading and investment from traditional banking activities like business lending and consumer finance.

1933. “Anthony Adverse” and “Magnificent Obsession” were topping the bestseller lists. “King Kong” and the Marx Brothers were big at the box office. What does a law passed back then have to do with the 21st century economy?

As it turns out, a lot.

Bernie Sanders wants to implement a new version of the Act, which was repealed in 1999 after having been in effect for more than 75 years. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, is not calling for its reinstatement.

Sen. Sanders is right. Here are five reasons why it is important to reinstate the Glass-Steagall Act.

  • 1. Too-big-to-fail banks are bigger, riskier, and more ungovernable than ever
  • 2. The argument that Glass-Steagall didn’t cause the 2008 financial crisis is wrong.
  • 3. Repeal of the Act has not worked as promised.
  • 4. The repeal of Glass-Steagall is further corrupting the culture of banking – if such a thing is possible.
  • 5. Too-big-to-fail banks are a threat to our democracy.

FULL ARTICLE at https://berniesanders.com/yes-glass-steagall-matters-here-are-5-reasons-why/

STAR WARS AUDITION TAPES from CONAN on TBS

Woody Allen’s “Star Wars Episode VII” Audition Tape – CONAN on TBS

Kevin Smith’s “Star Wars Episode VII” Audition Tape – CONAN on TBS

Todd Phillips’ “Star Wars: Episode VII” Audition Tape – CONAN on TBS

Michael Moore’s “Star Wars Episode VII” Audition Tape – CONAN on TBS

Wes Anderson’s “Star Wars: Episode VII” Audition Tape – CONAN on TBS

Infamous Horror Director’s “Star Wars: Episode VII” Audition Tape – CONAN on TBS

 

BONUS – More Star Wars from Team Coco

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jack Daniels Christmas Wishes

Jack Daniels

MERRY CHRISTMAS, SANTA

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Charlie Brown sings Journey’s Stop believing

Charlie Brown

CHRISTMAS MEME: TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS

‘Twas the night before Christmas

Classic Christmas Poem

BY CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE

FROM WIKI “A Visit from St. Nicholas”, more commonly known as “The Night Before Christmas” and “‍ ’​Twas the Night Before Christmas” from its first line, is a poem first published anonymously in 1823, and later attributed to Clement Clarke Moore, who acknowledged authorship in 1837.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,

With a little old driver so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the housetop the coursers they flew

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too—

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.

His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

 

STAR WARS Caroling Troupe